Darkest Hour.

UNWANTED. LONELY. SOLOIST.

This performance called life has been my only and by far the worst performance of myself. Choices made by others, curved my schedule only to end up as disappointments to me and them. Not being able to handle the pressure and their looks; My actions always affected by the worst outcome…

FEAR. TEARS. MISERY.

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Realisation.

Unbelievable… You are.

Surprisingly disappointing and selfish to the core. Ready answers to unanswered questions, meaningless and depressing realizations made clear, upon every conversation. Either with you or me. The conversationalist always ending up being the second. What a sad realization.

Little red ball.

Betrayal..?

Maybe, of myself. I didn’t listen to that small voice in the back of my head, warning me.
Maybe NOT.
But, then again;
Should I let myself feel qualms?
Already having found myself in the same situation in the past, my reaction is colder this time. It should be. My vivid crimson ball has been thrown to the ground, in the mud, on the rocks again and again.
Maybe my mistake was who’s hands I trusted it to …
Without a second thought, they threw and kicked my ball far away.
So far away that I have to go fetch it alone, once more; Pick it up with my own two hands and polish it carefully. It will shine again, it always did after I took it in my hands after all. The tears once used to clean the mud have dried up; My intense breathing used to remove the dirt is now serene, And my unsteady heartbeats used to make the color more vivid are now beating in a calm steady rhythm. Instead, a smile curves at the tips of my lips and my eyes shimmer, before the voice whispers again at the back of my head:
“You expected it, right ?”
The smile gets wider, till it turns into a loud laughter.
“You will not do it again in the future, right ?”
I look down at my ball, that has turned into the most vivid and shiniest crimson it had ever been, and I see my smile mirrored on it as it comes to rest on my lips permanently.  Excitement fills my little ball, as I trust in the future and I take my first step into the unknown.
I will always listen to the little voice;
However, I cannot help but feel curious, as to how much more shinier my ball can turn into.

I’m facing him again;

He’s some centimeters away from me …

I can’t speak my mind.
I’m confused.
I like him but i can’t understand his feelings.
I’m confused.
I don’t want to destroy what we have now but i don’t think he values it.
I’m confused.

Every time i try to be honest, I put a fraud and gulp everything;
trying to be friendly;
trying not to scare him;
trying to understand him;
trying to be a buddy he can trust.

I’m afraid;
of ruining the moment.
I’m afraid;
of ruining our past.
I’m afraid;
to face his feelings.
I’m afraid;
of leaving him.

I’m facing him again, asking about nonsense.
He’s not comfortable, so I’ll just pretend I am
and try to convince myself he doesn’t know..

You.

don’t let others define
you,
your actions,
your emotions.
fate is manipulator of dreams..
don’t let yourself get fooled.
follow your dreams.

YOU and YOUR ACTIONS are the only ones who can accomplish them.
you’ve reached your limit they may say.
“but”
do YOU even know your limit?
did you give it your all?
Only one word;
Only one person;
Only one thought;
Only one goal;
may set your emotions and abilities on fire..
the process helps you understand your dream.

BE YOURSELF
YOUR TRUE SELF

don’t let others define YOU.

A Good Book.

Every time I finish reading a book I feel sad.
Like my relationship with someone is over; be that friendship or other.
Mixed feelings blossom; accomplishment, happiness, anxiety, sadness.
Until I start reading the next book.
I think that pretty much happens with real people too.
When a relationship doesn’t have any more pages for you to read;
I’m sorry to say that but; It’s over..
Letting you wonder if you gained something by reading it, or you just spent your time…
A good relationship such as a good book will always stay in your memory
and you’ll always compare it with the next that you’ll come upon…

-BriDa