Have you ever

Have you ever loved someone more than yourself?

I have. And that’s something that makes me me. I cannot change how I feel and honestly I don’t want to. I might lose myself sometimes over my feelings, put them on a pedestal and treat them with the care I believe they deserve. However, this is something I never asked in return.

Have you ever loved someone more than yourself?

Waking up in the middle of the night to check up on them, worrying they might not get enough rest. Tomorrow they have a tiring day… I want to wake up early and make breakfast for them. But the coffee is not to their taste… they are not in the mood for eggs and they don’t want that cake I made for them yesterday… it’s too sweet. However, I smile and wish them good luck at work.

Have you ever loved someone more than yourself?

Putting sunscreen on them before you do to yourself, not because you treat them like a child, but because you care they won’t get sunburned. However, it doesn’t matter if you get sunburned in the process.

Have you ever loved someone more than yourself?

Trying to fit into their little boxes and act in ways that would not upset them, or worry them. Keeping things to yourself because you don’t want them to know you’re depressed… you have family problems… You don’t want to look pathetic in their eyes. You want to shine, brighter than the stars. Because that’s how they look to you. Like the sun.

Have you ever loved someone more than yourself?

Wanting them to open up and tell you how they really feel… their troubles and their worries. Their happy thoughts and the silly thoughts. The little in between. Talk about the future and the past totally immersed in the moment… totally immersed in each other… However, whenever you start such a conversation they tell you it’s boring… they hate these subjects.

Have you ever loved someone more than yourself?

That despite not meeting your every need they hold your heart. The happy moments are little diamonds in your life so not meeting your every need is not fundamental anymore… and you compromise… and you compromise… and your shine fades away… and like a star that dies in the universe your light disappears one dark night… and no one knows… no one knows because you continue smiling. Wishing that your light was given to your Sun making them even brighter…

Have you ever loved someone more than yourself?

Maybe you haven’t, but when you do I hope you find a Sun worthy of your light, as I did.

Try

We must not say “I understand how you feel.”.

We often misunderstand others.
We cannot say that we understand how they feel.
We cannot say that we understand how another person feels.

You’d better say, “I don’t even understand what you are saying.”.

If we don’t try we won’t be able to understand each other.

Little Bee

Sunny spring evening…

I woke up late today. A cup of cold instant coffee with lots of milk in my hands. The buzzing of a bee that flew in by the open window… “hello little one. There are no flowers here.” I whisper at the little honey fairy and lead her outside again, yet it attempts to sit on my hand. “Am I the flower?” I chuckle at myself at the thought and a smile forms on my lips. “Thank you little bee.” I whisper once more and gaze at her disappearing into the endless blue.

Growth

I may fall, again and again, lose myself in the process, and turn into someone I don’t even recognize myself; However, I will always stand up again and again. Stronger, more knowledgeable, softer, kinder.

Quiet hours

To you and to each and everyone; These quiet hours are needed. Necessary. Accompanied by music, a drink or the sound of nature. Minutes that will put you at ease, calm you down and let your mind travel. In order to open a window of escape when things get tough. When pressure will give you that push from behind.

Mud

Covered in mud. Tainted and soiled. Not only hurting on my own but also hurting those around me. Hurting them so deeply that they give up on me. That they call me unthankful or choose to remove me from their lives.

Bitterness, poison… like a snake that crawls desperately on the Earth. People tell me to be careful not to bite my own tongue. Yet all I want is someone who will listen to what I have to say and give me right. But my way of expressing myself is not kind, not gentle. I attack people, I burst into tears and lose my composure. You are not kind, you are not gentle, you are not polite, you are not successful, you…. you… YOU.

Do something with your life. Stop whining and feeling sad about your own self. Clearly, no one feels sorry for you, because YOU are the one who put yourself in this situation. It’s all YOUR fault. MY fault.

But I am weak. Many times I thought of closing my eyes and never waking up. Or how it would be a solution… a salvation from having to make choices. From having to continue this life in the current, same, old and soiled circumstances. No success, No real partner. A few friends that I recently approached again.

Why does everything need effort?

Why do I have to make choices for every little thing?

And I know yet again that my choices will be the wrong ones. That other people will judge me for whatever I do. And people’s opinions are so “important”. They affect me, my mood, the way I see other people. The way I see life. I might overthink their opinions. However, I overthink everything so this won’t be anything different from the usual. I overthink and I act on my fears. On these thoughts that drive me mad, losing sleep at night…

Covered in mud, diving slowly deeper into the soil… being this dirty, poisonous being. Lonely and alone once again, desperately trying to take a breath. A breath that would change my world. That would dissolve the poison from inside of me and make me someone who can kindly face the world and find love again.

Again

We are in the same situation once more. My heart and yours hurting from being apart. From taking the first steps of a life separated from each other. I can confidently say that I love you. And that is a fact that will never change. You were my first, true, unconditional love. Pure, strong and with so many mistakes. We learned a lot from each other. The mistakes we made… unavoidable. I am glad that you were my first love. You handled my heart gently most of the time and I hope that I didn’t let you down from my side. I loved you little child inside a young adult’s body.

A love that will stay frozen in time.

Sharp Smile on the Burgundy Hour

Long finger has been poking her visibly longer sharp bicuspid for quite a while now.. her crimson lips easily drying caused her tongue to slither against them every now and then. Violet hues are fixated on a poem boom she had picked up lately..  ‘ Les Fleurs du Mal by Charles Baudelaire ‘ is written on the front page that closes as she lets the book rest on her lap. What a bore…

She had to wait till the sun went down before going out and at this point she had become impatient. She rarely sought the buzzing sound of the city but after over a decade of shutting herself in her cottage somewhere in the forest she had come back in her quintessential Parisian apartment. 

Music echoes in the dim lit room with the dark curtains that keep the sun out. But she had to have it that way, otherwise she would become nothing but dust. Not that she minded it at this point. The thought had crossed her mind countless times, this evening being one of them.

She whimpered displeased as she stood up, eyeing the strawberry liqueurs and alcoholic beverages hidden behind a glass case.. remnant of her human life. Oh, how she would love to taste that sweet nectar. Her heart clenched and a crimson tear pilled up in the corner oh her eye. 

No no, she had to pull herself together. Tonight was a hunt night and she was going to enjoy it. She walked nonchalantly out of the living room and down the corridor that led to her bedroom that was sprinkled with undergarments, dresses and shoes thrown in disarray… she sighed and walked inside her closet but she didn’t need a light to see as she just pulled out of the hangers a random dress and walked away. 

Nothing intrigued her at this point.. no one to impress… another sigh as she takes off her champagne colored négligé in order to change into a burgundy long dress… the color made her smirk as she headed to her chiffonier to pick up a lipstick that was laying on top with the same color. 

She leaned closer to the mirror that was situated in the middle of the furniture and pouted her lips so that she could apply her new mask and flashed an alluring smirk to herself. It did the trick to fix her mood and boost her confidence.

“A purse… a purse…“ she tapped her fingers against her chin as she looked around the chaos for the little black item. “Ah! There you are~“ she bent her knees gracefully to fish it out from a pile and head out of the room before she glanced above her shoulder at her little cologne bottle that was standing on the chiffonier and sneakily snatched it and hid it in her purse.

Walking down the corridor and into the entrance hall she glanced at the large windows at a spot where the curtains were not hiding and a white light was standing out in the dark sky “Bye bye Sun~” she wiggled her fingers and head towards the door, picking a pair of black high heels on her way that she slipped on swiftly before walking out of her apartment.

It had been so long since she had been to the neighborhood that wasn’t sure what kind of clubs or bars she could head to… her curiosity made her think about the bar she used to sing a few nights in the past and wonder if it was still open. Fingers brush against her long platinum hair before tucking a few strands behind her ear revealing a content grin. 

Her legs almost like they were put under a spell led her to the place. And to her surprise the bar was still working, making her even more eager to see a familiar face. She took out her perfume momentarily to spray the crook of her neck and the inside of her wrists before she headed in. 

Long lashes flutter with languish as her gaze danced around the place… she spotted a few changes in the decoration but the most important thing was there… the microphone stand. She smiled to herself lost in thought only for a tender warm touch to pull her out of it. 

Her head tilts to the side allowing her eyes to fall on the hand that was resting around her arm and her heart skipped a bit. She would recognize this pair of fingers everywhere… 

Old Friend.

The sound of piano keys is echoing in the distance… the sound reaching Adalina’s ears causing her to hallucinate in her dream like state. Fingers intertwining light chestnut colored strands… long and silky to the touch, adorned by little flower stems that she is braiding along. Shoulders and a back all too familiar… a voice that fills her with warmth and security… nostalgia and sadness.

A tear run down her pale cheek, drenching the pillow she is resting her head on. Long blond almost transparent eyelashes slowly open, hesitantly almost denying the reality she had to wake up to. Fingers curled against her chest clench tightly, trying to grasp the fleeting feeling her dream had provided her with, a surfacing memory. Lips tremble before opening softly in disbelief… the piano has not stopped playing. It still rung in her ears, filling her heart with hope.

With a swift movement she throws the covers to free herself, legs spread for feet to eagerly touch the wooden floor. Her heart is beating so fast, afraid of what she is going to face. A harsh reality or a hopeful dream… ?

Fast steps take her down the dark corridor, hope building up along the way as there is light coming from the living room. Before she stops abruptly- Hands tug the hem of her off white nightgown as she takes a deep breath. Violet hues glisten and a mellow expression rests on her features as the music stops. “Gabe…”

Cello & Espesso

It’s morning.. the sun rays are warming your body under the quilt you’re half covered with… a gentle breeze brings the sound of Cello from the neighbor across the street, bless open windows. The smell of cigarette is invading along the strong smell of coffee. You peak behind the transparent curtains searching for his figure.. ruffled dark chocolate strands are covering his expression, he is wearing a light colored shirt completely unbuttoned but you cannot take a glimpse of his uncovered chest because it’s hidden behind the massive instrument. His fingers dance along the strings like a magician casting his spell… the sound they produce, like a gurgling water running amidst valleys and trees, mountains and hills. 

You stay still, mesmerized by the melody, the scents, the view… unable to understand how time passes and the song comes to an end. But you still don’t move, till he raises his head and you can finally gaze in those deep forest greens. He gazes back and you can feel your cheeks burning, is it embarrassment? But you cannot turn away now, something is keeping you from doing so. His lips move and suddenly the soft Summer breeze causes the curtain to dance and cover him for that split second. 

What did he say!? You are so eager to know that you perk up, you run to the window, hands grabbing that evil curtain pulling it aside. But he is not there anymore.. only his cello.. resting. Reminder of the little magical moment you just experienced. 

You bite your lower lip, looking around the empty room spotting his still burning cigarette on the coffee table, but the coffee is missing.. there is no scent from the espresso that woke you up. Will he come back? Should you wait there on the windowsill? The thoughts are occuppying your mind but the little melodic sound of your doorbell brings you back to reality and along a little hopeful speculation.

*DING DONG*